Understanding Domestic Violence and How to Seek Help
October is Domestic Violence Awareness Month. An awareness month that most survivor's don't even know about. Definitely something the public doesn't want to talk about. Domestic violence is more taboo than other forms of violence and abuse. Domestic violence is hidden, secretive, and only seen by those who have been there or are still there. Survivor's learn how to blend in, to not draw attention to themselves, to disappear for the sake of the illusion of peace.
Regardless of where someone is in this journey, shining a light onto one of the darkest and most destructive behaviors of some of the most evil people is necessary. Most people think that domestic violence is when one person in a dating or married relationship physically hurts the other. But that's just one kind. Narcissistic abuse is the other. Narcissists can often use physical violence, but many times, they never lay a hand on their victim.
According to the Justice Department, domestic violence is a pattern of abusive behavior in any relationship that is used by one partner to gain or maintain power and control over another intimate partner. Domestic violence can be physical, sexual, emotional, economic, psychological, spiritual, financial, or technological actions (cyber stalking, revenge porn), or threats of actions or other patterns of coercive behavior that influence another person within an intimate partner relationship. This includes any behaviors that intimidate, manipulate, humiliate, isolate, frighten, terrorize, coerce, threaten, blame, hurt, injure, or wound someone.
If you’re in immediate danger in the U.S., call 911. If you can’t safely call, leave if you can and go somewhere public.
Start with support that won’t judge you
The National Domestic Violence Hotline is available 24/7 in the U.S. You can contact them in a few ways:
Call 1-800-799-SAFE, which is 1-800-799-7233
Text START to 88788
Chat at thehotline.org
Hotline advocates can talk through what’s happening, help with safety planning, and connect you with local help. You don’t have to be ready to leave to call. You don’t have to prove anything. You can ask one question and end the chat if that’s all you have space for.
If the person hurting you checks your phone or browser, use a safer device if possible. A library computer, a trusted friend’s phone, or a work phone may be safer. If that’s not possible, the Hotline website has a quick-exit button, but quick-exit tools don’t erase browser history.
Make a safety plan that fits real life
A safety plan is a simple plan for staying safe before, during, or after harm. It doesn’t have to be perfect. It just needs to help in the next real moment.
Think in small pieces.
Choose a safer room. If tension rises, try to move near an exit. Avoid rooms with weapons or hard surfaces when possible, like kitchens, garages, or bathrooms.
Pick a code word. Use one word or phrase that tells a trusted person to call for help. It can sound normal, like “Can you feed the cat?”
Keep copies of key items. If safe, keep copies of an ID, birth certificates, medication list, protective orders, lease papers, and school records somewhere the other person can’t access.
Plan for pets. Many people delay leaving because they fear for a pet. Ask local shelters, animal shelters, or hotlines about pet-safe options. Some programs can help with temporary care.
Build a small go bag only if it’s safe. Include cash, keys, medication, chargers, clothes, and documents. If a bag would put you at risk, skip it. A safety plan should lower danger, not add to it.
Trauma can make decision-making harder, especially when sleep, money, kids, pets, and fear are all involved. That’s not weakness. It’s how stress affects the brain and body. Keep the plan short enough to remember.
Treat self-care as safety, not a luxury
Self-care can sound too soft for a crisis. But real self-care is practical. It helps steady the body, protect energy, and create a little room to think.
Try what works and ignore the rest.
Put a glass of water by the bed.
Eat something small with protein, like yogurt, peanut butter, eggs, beans, or cheese.
Step outside for two minutes if it’s safe.
Save one supportive contact under a harmless name.
Write down what happened and keep it somewhere private.
Turn off location sharing if you can do that safely.
Practice one calming skill, like naming five things you can see.
If breathing exercises make you feel worse, stop. If journaling isn’t safe, don’t do it. If rest is the only thing you can manage today, that counts.
Domestic violence often includes emotional pressure, money control, isolation, threats, or monitoring. Care for yourself in ways that match your situation. The safest choice is not always the one other people understand.
The most powerful way to begin to reclaim the identity that the other person has stolen from you is to start believing your eyes, ears, and words. You are not the crazy one; you are not the problem. The mere fact that you are the one asking if it's you shows that it is not. Even if you don't say it outloud, remind yourself constantly of what is true, REALLY TRUE.
Use self-defense as a way to create space
Self-defense is not about winning a fight. It’s about getting enough time and space to leave, yell, call for help, or reach a safer place.
A good self-defense class should teach:
How to trust early warning signs
How to use a strong voice
How to break away from common grabs
How to move toward exits
How to protect kids or call for help when possible
How to avoid blame and shame
Look for instructors who understand abuse dynamics. A class should never make you feel responsible for someone else’s violence.
If taking a class would be unsafe, practice low-risk skills alone. Stand with feet steady. Say “Back up” out loud. Walk through an exit route. Keep shoes and keys in a place you can reach. These small steps can help your body respond faster under stress.
Part of self-defense includes applying for and maintaining a protection order against your abuser. However, it is important to remember that a protection order is only a piece of paper. Knowing how to protect yourself, your children, and your pets is vital. Learning to protect yourself is empowering.
Find Local Resources
The Justice Department has links to local and national resources. https://www.justice.gov/ovw/resources-victims-and-survivors
There are local resources everywhere. Many local stores, hospitals, and bars/restaurants have fliers in the bathrooms, and special "drinks" that can be ordered if you need help.
Local programs, shelters, legal aid groups, and victim service centers may also use the name CASA. If you search online, use a safer device when possible and search terms like “CASA domestic violence help near me” or “family violence support near me.”
If children are involved, ask any advocate you contact about child safety, school pickup plans, custody concerns, and safe ways to document incidents. This content is informational only and isn’t legal advice.
One next step is enough
You don’t have to solve everything in October. You don’t have to tell everyone your story. You don’t have to leave before you’re ready.
Pick one step that feels safest today:
Save the Hotline number under a different name.
Call from a safer phone.
Write down one exit route.
Ask a trusted person to hold copies of papers.
Look up one CASA or local support program.
Drink water and rest.
If you need confidential support now, contact The National Domestic Violence Hotline. One conversation can help you sort through the next safest step.
Froggy Acres Homestead created a limited-edition specialty soap for Domestic Violence Awareness Month. 50% of all proceeds will go to a local DV shelter. Unbroken
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